How Reading About the Fringes of the Rape Debate Led Me to the Best Diet Idea Ever

It's never a dull moment on Facebook. Sister is giving a traffic update, Mom is quilting, long-distance high school friends are watching a local college football game, friends are eating stuff and drinking drinks, and photos of all abound.

Then, there are the great articles people share. I get my news of the world from the radio (yes, I'm 118 years old), Twitter, and my Facebook feed. And I use "news" lightly. Today, I noticed that dogs align their bodies with magnetic fields of the Earth when they poop (I mean, who doesn't?), it's snowing in places far away from San Francisco (I think it was 64 and sunny here today), and I read this gem:

"PIV is always rape, ok?"

Okay, I was intrigued. What is PIV? Oh, okay, thanks Google. So, let me read more by clicking on the article: here.

From the article/blog post:

Just to recall a basic fact: Intercourse/PIV is always rape, plain and simple.
This is a developed recap from what I’ve been saying in various comments here and there in the last two years or so. as a radfem I’ve always said PIV is rape and I remember being disappointed to discover that so few radical feminists stated it clearly. How can you possibly see it otherwise? Intercourse is the very means through which men oppress us, from which we are not allowed to escape, yet some instances of or PIV and intercourse may be chosen and free? That makes no sense at all.
First, well intercourse is NEVER sex for women. Only men experience rape as sexual and define it as such. Sex for men is the unilateral penetration of their penis into a woman (or anything else replacing and symbolising the female orifice) whether she thinks she wants it or not – which is the definition of rape: that he will to do it anyway and that he uses her and treats her as a receptacle, in all circumstances – it makes no difference to him experiencing it as sexual. That is, at the very least, men use women as useful objects and instruments for penetration, and women are dehumanised by this act. It is an act of violence.
 As a non-practitioner of PIV (hi Mom!), I was both instantly exonerated from the oppression of the "heterocage" and assumed this was a joke.

The only reason we may now not feelraped or have the impression we desired or initiated PIV, is because men broke down our barriers very skillfully and progressively from birth, breaking down our natural defences to pain and invasion, our confidence in our own perceptions and sensations of fear and disgust that tell us male sexual invasion is painful, harmful and traumatic.

It sounds like someone did not have a good eCupid experience, huh?

But, I read this some more, put on my Queer Theory/Radical Feminist/KooKooKaChoo hat and thought, "Sure, I'll buy it. This whole PIV thing is wrong! How dare women subject themselves to it. I must speak up and take action!!"

So, I have taken this to the logical conclusion: all penetration is evil and oppressive. Therefore, I've stopped engaging in FIM* behaviors. No more Butterfingers or forkfuls of pasta from Flour+Water or Hot Pockets or pretzels and peanut butter or all the other things I like to stick in my mouth (Hi Mom!). Instead, I will satisfy my nutritional needs by a time-tested and medically sound method: intravenous feeding tube. Yes, my IV and I will be morally superior to everyone around me, especially the heterocaged foodies of San Francisco.

So, let me just Bing how to set up this IV and I'll get started. . . . Um, oh. This needle-thing has to be jabbed into my arm? Through my skin?! That sounds penetrative, violent, painful, and it might leave a mark on my alabaster skin. Time to rethink this. Who knew the medical community utilized such heteronormative/caged/oppressive/jabby instruments?

I guess I'm left with just one recourse: Osmosis. Just as nature intended, I will absorb everything I need. Stand tall my human, prokaryotic, and eukaryotic friends! We shall overcome. And we shall osmote!

If you need me, I'll be sitting in a bathtub filled with Campbell's Classic Tomato Soup, being better than you and, likely, thinner. And more orange.

*Food In Mouth


Nubian said…
This poor, poor woman. I am thinking her PIV experiences have not been enjoyable at all. I like your osmosis theory, I will be testing it with wine.
toddx said…
Yes, Nubian, yes! We shall be purple together.

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