Friday, December 28, 2012

Dear artists, you can stop now

It's all been done. Yoko has merged emotion, art, pop culture, high culture, spectacle, comedy, and tragedy into one 2-minute performance.

Turn out the lights before you go.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Anyone using Bloglovin'?

If so... Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

My new favorite Christmas song

Sing it, Judy.


Merry Xmas! Now party hard.

Rudolph has the good stuff.

Happy Xmas!

I hope you manage to avoid the giant man-eating, Xmas-hating emus out there this Christmas Day.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

It's a library, honey...


My plan to make guns safe

Dear NRA,

I know you probably think "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" is too gay or old to teach us anything, but I'm here to tell you that this play and film has the answers to all our woes.

Guns can still strike fear into the hearts of those we point them at. Just look at Elizabeth Taylor. There is true terror in her eyes.

But, by simply trading bullets for an umbrella gag, we both save this violet-eyed beauty's life AND give Richard Burton the emotional satisfaction of getting to shoot his spouse. And who doesn't want that?

So, today I'm proposing the mass retrofitting of all guns in America. More umbrellas, fewer tragic deaths. I think it's a fair trade. Edward Albee would surely agree.


Todd X.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Dear Lorax, we need you.

The redwoods are dying. It may be time to hang it up, folks, and turn out the light. Party's over. This has been a depressing few days.

If you’ve never been to California to see its giant redwoods, you should probably go soon. It might be only a matter of time before they’re all gone. Research released Friday indicates that the world’s oldest trees are dying at an alarming rate. “It is a very, very disturbing trend,” says lead researcher William Laurance of James Cook University. “We are talking about the loss of the biggest living organisms on the planet, of the largest flowering plants on the planet, of organisms that play a key role in regulating and enriching our world.”

The rapid die-off of the world’s oldest trees

What would you do for minimum wage?

From Andrew Fishman's Art: Blake Fall-Conroy, “Minimum Wage Machine,” 2008-2010

This machine allows anyone to work for minimum wage for as long as they like. Turning the crank on the side releases one penny every 4.97 seconds, for a total of $7.25 per hour. This corresponds to minimum wage for a person in New York.

This piece is brilliant on multiple levels, particularly as social commentary. Without a doubt, most people who started operating the machine for fun would quickly grow disheartened and stop when realizing just how little they’re earning by turning this mindless crank. A person would then conceivably realize that this is what nearly two million people in the United States do every day…at much harder jobs than turning a crank. This turns the piece into a simple, yet effective argument for raising the minimum wage.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Toe Shoes are #1 on my list: Gawker's 22 Terrible Things That Must End in 2013


What did you hate in 2012? Whom did you hate? Let it all out.

12:12 on 12/12/12?

This must mean something.

Early lunch?
World Peace?
12 more shopping days before Xmas?
The first day of the rest of our lives?
The beginning of the end?
Big Bang?
The Big One in SF?
The day the Earth stands still?

Whatever happens, I hope you have a great day with at least one delicious glass of iced tea and plenty of cocktails. But, just to be on the safe side, I'm finding some high ground.


Friday, December 7, 2012

My diet philosophy

If it's not iced tea, wine, whiskey, or vodka, I simply don't understand what you're talking about.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Six Supervisors in San Francisco Who Hate The Naked Human Body: Nudity Ban Approved

Auguste Rodin; Middelheimmuseum

Anti-human body supervisors in San Francisco: Scott Wiener, David Chiu, Carmen Chu, Mark Farrell, Sean Elsbernd, and Malia Cohen

Pro-human body Supes: Jane Kim, John Avalos, Christina Olague, David Campos, and Eric Mar

Dear Mayor Lee, don't sign this legislation. I promise that you won't personally have to get naked. In fact, I forbid it. But please remember while you're contemplating the sterilized, homogenized San Francisco of your dreams: there are some things an app can't do for you:

Put flowers in your hair.
Let you feel the sunshine on your butt.
Create a culture of inclusion and tolerance.
Stand in line for amazing bread.
Ride a cable car.
Chat with the homeless dude outside your neighborhood doughnut shop.
Build the Golden Gate Bridge.
Revel in the fog that delights, irritates, protects, and charms us.

All these things (and many, many more) are San Francisco. I encourage and dare you not to diminish them or this place.

Friday, November 30, 2012

How NOT to end your trip to New York

Trapped in the JFK airport for over 5 hours surely qualifies for cruel and inhuman punishment. Get off your high horse, Bradley Manning. I know true torture.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Via Pippa's Cabinet: Be A Voter

Pippa's Cabinet: Be A Voter: We all know what this is going to come down to, right? Voter turn out. No one's undecided anymore. It's just a question of who can get th...

Monday, November 5, 2012

Senator Todd Akin is right

But, I don't think he understands what these ladies are about to shut down.

Keep Calm and Vote Obama

If, like me, the "calm" part of this equation escapes you, I recommend pills and alcohol. And lots and lots of Twitter.

Happy voting America!

The Perfect Clock


Chronicle Books bakes up a storm for Hurricane Sandy Relief today! 12-1:30pm

Once again, I'm charmed and humbled by these people. I won't be baking (not enough insurance for that), but I'll be gorging. Come visit our offices and binge with me!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

First they speak, then they take over the world: Whales weep not

Are you freaked out by whale-speak? Get used to it. Next, they'll be taking your job for less money, and then they'll start buying real estate. Next thing you know, you'll have to speak like this to order a sandwich at Subway.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

SF Giants fans or hoodlums? The Day After Game 4

After walking down Townsend Street near AT&T Park the day after the World Series was won by the Giants, I'm leaning toward "hoodlums."

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Lana Wachowski: Fierce and brilliant

Lana may have pursued a slightly different path than you or me, or maybe she didn't. But I defy you to tell me she is not a hero and a role model. Listen to her story, hear her message of equality and difference, and think about how we can all embrace and celebrate the variety of human experience.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Mild, spicy, or chunky: A creative way to serve condiments at your next party

Like recycling? Or are you an upcycling fanatic? Do you have old toys stored in a closet or live near a children's home with lax security? Then grab those baby dolls, gut the poor creatures, and fill them the pride of Old El Paso. You'll be the talk of the town and/or the subject of a local news segment in no time.

As Patrick Swayze might have said, "Nobody puts Baby in the salsa." He didn't say anything about putting salsa in the baby, though. Bon appetit!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Ann Coulter, Queen of Trolls (aka @anncoulter), speaks out about National Coming Out Day

You know, I don't even think Ann Coulter believes 90% of the stuff she says and writes. Her job is to be the Conservative Troll. And she is GOOD.

But, Ann, if you do believe this, please know that this kind of thinking has been and will continue to be the cause of thousands of suicides and ruined lives. Is the GOP pro-suicide? Pro-family? I wonder.

So, it's easier to believe you're a media hack, trolling for reactions. Congratulations. You got several with these bons mots.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Mitt and Barack, sitting in a tree. . .

If you were a corporation, you would understand this love fest.

Let Obama Be Obama

I suspect President Obama was given some bad advice for the first debate: don't be too combative...appeal to independents who want a peaceful, fluffy debate. I think he was poorly served by this advice. Be the fierce defender of progressive beliefs, Mr. President. Someone has to.

Happy National Vodka Day 2012!

I encourage you all to drink up. And to buy me this pretty bottle.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Conspicuous Consumption vs. San Francisco Values: Tech's Role in the Battle for SF's Soul

San Francisco Magazine recently published an article called "How much tech can one city take?" If you live in SF, you know the answer is "a LOT." But, we're definitely reaching saturation point. The article presented several sides to this question. Clearly, the boom is good in some ways: more jobs, increased revenue for the city, and the energy of innovation that bleeds into other projects in San Francisco. But, there's also the troubling aspects: exploding rents, tech companies that work to insulate their employees from the very city they claim to want to be a part of by offering free meals so employees don't have to wander through their neighborhoods and by providing private transit options in spite of and likely to the detriment of public transit, and the encouragement of an culture of unearned privilege and special-ness.

Overall, I liked the article. I actually like tech. I'm proud of what is being created in my city. Sure, I raz the "techies" and complain about their impact on the city, especially in SOMA. But, we don't have real weather here, so I have to complain about something.

But, when I saw the tweet above, I was a little surprised and, frankly, disgusted. Yes, SF is the great liberal, progressive, socialist, Marxist playground. We wear our bleeding commie pinko hearts on our sleeves and worry too much about seemingly trivial issues while people sleep on the streets. Still, this tweet encompassed everything that's wrong with some of tech and some of the people who have moved here to participate in the current boom.

San Francisco is a green town. We don't want you throwing your recycling in the trash or your plastic in the compost. (And, if you've ever read this blog before, you will get the irony of me discussing and defending this.) But, deep down, I'm actually pretty green. I just like to pretend I'm not. I carry a grocery bag in my messenger bag (all SF residents are required to have a messenger bag btw). I don't own a car. I even compost at work (because they made it SO easy). Sara doesn't care about that. She's above and/or beyond it. She's not part of the fabric of this community.

I believe that Sara's tweet shows a disconnect with local values. For months, San Francisco grocers have been advertising the upcoming change: As of October 1, paper bags will cost 10 cents each. The city wants to encourage people to bring their own reusable bags to the store. The nominal fee is one way to encourage this behavior. Sara couldn't be bothered to notice, though. She was probably tweeting on the Twitter shuttle, surrounded by other Twitter employees, trying desperately not to notice the city around them. Tweeting while Rome burns.

For me, Sara's tweet is the ultimate behavior modification tool.

You see, in just two sentences, she made an advocate out of me. Her gross disregard for local politics and regulations combined with her truly revolting perception of her own status was enough to make me write this. And it will be enough to make me be damned sure I have my "Anti-Sara-the-Techie-who-is-too-good-for-San-Francisco-and-doesn't-care-what-anything-costs-because-she-works-for-Twitter" bag every time I go to the grocery store.

For that, Sara, I thank you. For your attitude and your lack of common decency, I can't wait to see what the bubble looks like after it pops.

As for the rest of you, pack your bag or pack some dimes.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Bacon Apocalypse! Pork shortage is unavoidable according to Britain's National Pig Association

Totally ignoring the amusing fact that there is a British National Pig Association (that'll do, Sir Pig), can I get an OMG from all of you?
Bacon (the economic engine for all brunches according to pal @phuongmai) is a critical worldwide resource. Forget oil and sunshine. Give us BACON!!!
Scientists, agronomists, and Native American bacon dancers of the world, please convene to solve this dilemma. As god is my witness, I won't eat Brussels sprouts without bacon again!
P.S. No, I do not read Fox News. I saw this link in Phuong's timeline and had to share. Phuong, I'm ashamed of your conservative inclinations.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Thursday, September 20, 2012

BOGO at the office: Dr Pepper and Butterfinger

The universe loves me. I paid for my Diet Dr Pepper, pushed the buttons, and watched it fall to the bottom of the vending machine. Reaching inside, I felt something unexpected.

No, not a rat. A Butterfinger. For FREE!! Proof: there is a candy god.

Thanks Universe. Now I'm even fatter. Thank Candy God I got a diet soda, huh?

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

This is the best thing ever: famous men wearing tiaras

In the 1953 film Roman Holiday, rebellious teen Princess Gregory Peck is bored and takes a nameless peasant girl around for an awesome time in Rome because he feels like it, but it’s only for a day because Princess Gregory Peck has other shit to do. Princess Gregory Peck did his own crazy scooter riding for the film. The girl in the film won an Oscar or something for being the peasant; said the coolly-jealous Princess Gregory Peck of the win, “Yeah, well—you know.” 

I humbly present this for your viewing pleasure if you haven't yet discovered it.

Now, where's my tiara?