Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Do NOT buy a mattress on Craigslist

Heart-shaped good luck charms cause nightmares.

The Earth and the Moon: 6 trillion miles away

Taken by the Juno spacecraft on its way to Jupiter. And, yes, we're really that small. Smaller actually. Jupiter is basically the backyard.

Audacity of hope meet Futility of hope

Admit it, this has happened to you before.

Does a Where's Waldo drawing ever get old?

John Mosley better hope not. But, it's all for a good cause, so...

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Andrew Lancaster understands children


Only a man with the ability to peer into the dark souls of children would be able to make these creatures. Or maybe the babies in New Zealand are just really, really ugly.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Semi-Homemade Bloopers but 100% Pure Sandra Lee

Ball gobblin' good: A new standard for restaurants

I like to eat out. A lot. But, I'm not sure I've ever had a meal good enough to warrant the type of treatment this Open Table reviewer wanted to bestow upon the staff at flour+water. However, I will accept this challenge. No more will I be content with Michael Bauer's nor Michelin's stars. From now on, the bar is set higher--or much lower depending on your position at the time. Restaurateurs, if you really want to excite me, if you truly want to have your customers sing your praises, aim for the scrotum.

And don't try to fool me with some tea-bagging worthy dish. I know the difference.

Want: Shelves above my windows

But, Caroline is right. That couch is hideous.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

How I feel after eating at Zero Zero

Why? Why must everything taste so good? Or do I just know how to order the best items from their menu? Either way, I may need this wide-load toilet seat if I go there again this month.

If asked, this was my favorite part of the weekend


Two Grey Goose and sodas and a bottle of wine before the start of "Twelfth Night" at Lake Tahoe. Also, the bartendress was cool too. She told me she could make ginger ale out of Sprite and Coke. I opted for the above soda water instead.

Posted via email from toddx's posterous

Note to self: Don't ask mom about abortion

Saturday, August 20, 2011

What wine goes best with national tragedy?

I would normally recommend red.

But, if you're serving it with a cream sauce, a white is permissible.

Yes, this is real.

Got baguettes?

Finally, I can carbo-load whenever I want. The 24-hour baguette dispenser is here! Now, when can I expect the Butter ATM to be invented?

Want: Gold-plated, diamond-encrusted contacts

Are you tired of looking into your partner's eyes and seeing the same old boring blue, green, or brown irises? Or vice versa? Well, your suffering is about to end.

For a mere $15,000, Indian optometrist Chandrashekhar Chawan can make you these amazing contact lenses that will mesmerize and horrify your friends. Be a Stephanie Meyer vampire, sparkle in the sunshine. Just be ready for people to try to stab you in the heart with a wooden stake or gouge out your eyes to pawn them for drugs. Hey, it's totally worth it. Everyone will be SO jealous.

I will eat your SOUL!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Bookmarks serving up some organic realness

Don't just mark your place in the book you're currently reading with a receipt, or an index card, or that parking ticket you got last weekend. Make a statement with your bookmark. Go green with Green Markers.

They're just ten bucks and everyone will think you're both well-read AND environmentally superior. Hey, a Kindle won't get you that kind of street cred.

I'm nervous

This drawing is so many kinds of wrong. From the kid's hairdo to the frog standing upright, this image is designed to unnerve you. That plus the inescapable idea that the frog is going to start singing "Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal..."

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

A Brief History of The Smiths

I'm not sure what terrible modern screeching the kids listen to nowadays, but The Smiths will always be the soundtrack of my school years. Enjoy this auditory journey down memory lane.

How to get shot in the park: Grizzly bear sleeping bag

Camping is for two kinds of people: those who can't afford a proper hotel and those who want to be eaten by animals and/or murdered by gun-wielding hillbillies. Even if you can't book a weekend jaunt to West Virginia, you still have a shot at being tasered by someone from Parks & Rec.

Enter the bear sleeping bag.

Unzip, climb inside, and pretend you're meta-hibernating inside Smokey Bear. But remember: only you can prevent hipster nature killings.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Here's the problem with Mission Chinese Food being named one of Bon Appetit’s Best New Restaurants

Ma po tofu

This dish, the Ma po tofu, is so hot that it's practically inedible. I like spicy. This was magma. I hate to say it, but even though this may be authentic and the inhabitants of the Sichuan region have tongues of steel, most of us in California do not. Dear chef, know your audience.

The perfect baby

Just wind it up and let it go. Much like a real baby, this perfect baby doesn't require food. You will need to oil it, though, or it will squeak like a real baby.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Dinosaurs are dangerous, especially the toy kind

Dinosaurs are just one of Satan's many ways to try to get you to understand scientific fact. Avoid them at all cost.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Let's go somewhere and judge people


Currently hanging in my office which is a safe, empathetic, friendly, judgement-free zone. And I may have a bridge to sell you...if you're interested.

Posted via email from toddx's posterous

Reading is scary

Seriously, do the tiny hands on this creature frighten anyone else?

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Vote Republican! The wealthy deserve it!

How can you argue with a yacht?

I guess these are what you call kissing cousins

Oh, Target. Couldn't you cede this particular demographic to Wal-Mart?

Words with Friends is neologism-phobic

"Shalquoig" is TOTALLY a real word. It means that thing that you're looking for but forget what it is when you walk from one room to another. It can also be a verb. "I totally shalquoiged my keys this morning."

Please feel free to use this word in the future. Impress your friends.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Weather report: August 10 in SF


Break out the summer parkas!

Posted via email from toddx's posterous

Wrap your iPad in Bernie Madoff's pants

Web designer John Vaccaro clearly understands irony. Or something like that. Maybe he just always wanted to get into Bernie Madoff's pants and this was the next best thing.

You see, when Bernie's estate was auctioned off (you know, after he swindled people out of $65 billion...), Vaccaro bought all the Madoff hand-me-owns he could and proceeded to create a line of unique iPad cases. The Wall Street elite are snatching them up, but you can still get one here while supplies (and fabric) lasts. Luckily, Bernie was a big boy.

Introducing the Cheesecake-stuffed Strawberry Diet

Well, it's not so much a "diet" as it is an amazing dessert that I must have. NOW. Basically, I will eat anything that incorporates Jello No-Bake cheesecake. I'm looking at you, Red Lobster.

The Recipe:

2 quarts of fresh Strawberries
1 box Jello No Bake Cheesecake
Crushed Graham Crackers
Chocolate for drizzling--some people call for milk or white chocolate, but I like my chocolate like I like my back-alley romances: dark.


Wash the berries and hollow out the centers. Use a small paring knife for this or a child with tiny hands and sharp claws (they have claws, right?). Mix the cheesecake according to the directions. Put the cheesecake in a piping bag and fill each strawberry until slightly overfilled. Then, place the graham cracker crumbs into a bowl and dip each strawberry into the crumbs to coat the top. Melt the chocolate in the microwave (if you're a philistine) in 30-second increments, stirring between. Again, transfer to a piping bag with a narrow tip and drizzle onto each berry. Resist the urge to over-drizzle. It's dessert, not Debbie Does Dallas. Refrigerate until you’re ready to eat. When ready, gorge heartily.

Monday, August 8, 2011

She's got Michelle Bachmann eyes (apologies to Kim Carnes)

Taylor Swift

Michelle Obama

Natalie Portman


Emma Watson

It's not the original video, but it'll do.

Haute Cuisine in Alabama: Turtle Burgers

Ah, I got you! It's not real turtle. It's just another example of American Exceptionalism!! That is, exceptional in the obesity category.

Let's break out the Lipitor and get cooking.

turtle burgers

The horrifying recipe:

1. Make ground beef patties and top with sharp cheddar cheese
2. Wrap the patties in a heart-clogging bacon weave.
3. Next, complete the masterpiece by adding hotdogs as the heads, legs, and tails. Be sure to cut slits for toes and shape the tail into a point.
4. Place your little Frankenstein monster turtles on an oven rack, cover loosely with foil, and bake for 20-30 minutes at 400 degrees.

They should come out crispy and screaming. Just like real turtles (or so I'm told).

Bon app├ętit!