Every day

Why is it that every day I wake up and fall asleep with thoughts of Joey? Hasn't enough time passed? Haven't I suffered enough? The other day, my mom sensed I was a little depressed while we were talking. It was the day after I watched "Brokeback Mountain" and I had spent much of the night with images from the movie scurrying around my brain, kicking up the dust, waking up drowsing demons. I mentioned that I hadn't gotten much sleep, and she asked if it was because of Joey. I said that I really didn't want to talk about it (because, as far as I can tell, talking about it only makes me miss him more and feel worse). Then, she said, "Oh, it will get better. It just has to."

The thing is, I don't believe that. I don't believe it will get better. It may fade and dim over time, but there is no way it can get better. And I'm afraid that this gaping sucking hole in my so-called soul either has or will devour any hope, any joy, any faith I might have had.

Or, maybe I'm just a pissy pessimist wallowing in the shit of a bad year. Yeah, that's probably it. Enough bitching. Someday I'll die and the sun will burn out. Now that's something to worry about!

Be nice to each other.


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