Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Hating the neighbors

I live in a condo complex that's full of people who have come to Hawaii on vacation. You know, the people who actually buy timeshares. Anywho, right now, in the unit next to mine, there is a family that I'm contemplating poisoning. They are staying up late with the television BLARING. And they get up early, turn on, yes, the television, and proceed to carry on conversations which necessitate yelling one another's names. Ah, such a classy family.

Lucky me, I will be closing at the store for the next two nights--being Xmas we'll be open until midnight. So, I'll get home around 1am and will probably be awakened at 7:30am by the Troglodyte Family. Nice.

Santa, in addition to that hippopotamus, I'd also appreciate a small cluster bomb. I'll transmit the coordinates later.

Ho ho ho.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

My spoon is, in fact, too big.

This is truth. Except for the banana part. He lies.

The New Orleans Disaster Tour 2006 (featuring Katrina and. . . the Waves?)

It's true. The apocalypse is upon us. The Four Horsemen are saddling up. Crass commercialism has finally reached its zenith. For those who doubt me, I give you Gray Line Tours.

Gray Line, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to offer tours through the devestation and destruction of New Orleans apr├ęs Katrina. Can't you see it now? Hordes of Southern Baptists and Evangelicals riding in air-conditioned comfort through the hurricane-stricken wards of what's left of that little bit of Old Europe in America. They will tsk-tsk their way through the city, revelling in the knowledge that their god is great and just and that his will has been done. He's more efficient that a full can of Sodom Be Gone!

I'm sure Bourbon Street was skipped over just because they were offering a 3 for 1 Happy Hour at Muffins-n-Studs. God knows a good deal when he sees one! Besides, there are plenty of asteroids just itching to rain down on the city and whip up some Gumbo Gomorrah-style. Ah, yes. It will be glorious.

Here's to you, Gray Line.

I hope you all get yeast infections.

Monday, December 12, 2005

How Tivo Changed My Life

(originally published on Friendster, Nov. 22, 2005)

In case you're not familiar with Tivo, let me introduce you: As you may know, with TiVo or any other (yet inferior) DVR, you can easily record programs from your television, cable or satellite. Plus you can pause live television as well as recorded programs. Yes, live television. Bathroom break? No worries. Doorbell? Fear not. Phone call from your ex? Well, it can't solve all problems.

Another great feature of TiVo is its ability to anticipate your television watching needs. If you let it, TiVo can actually record programs for you that it thinks you will enjoy. Not only that, but you can tell TiVo to record all the episodes of, say, America's Next Top Model, and it will do so. Never again will you have to worry about missing a judgmental look or sentimental yet somehow self-aggrandizing anecdote from Tyra Banks. Basically, TiVo is powerful medicine.

More important than TiVo's technical abilities is its influence on one's perception of all other media. I'm in my car and I want to rewind the radio. I'm watching a film at a theater and I want to pause the movie to go get some Milk Duds. I'm at other people's home who do not have TiVo and want all TiVo's offerings (and secretly scoff at my friends' 20th century viewing habits). Frankly, I want to TiVo the world.

Currently on my TiVo "Now Playing List":
Charlie Rose (it's recording this as I type. Ted Koppel is on tonight.)
Family Guy
The Colbert Report
Desperate Housewives
Everyday Italian (Ah, Giada, when will you cook for me?)
The Daily Show
60 Minutes (They did a story on Ecoterrorists that I wanted to watch)
Kathy Griffin . . . Is Not Nicole Kidman (B-List? She's the tops for me)
Battlestar Galactica (quite simply, one of the best shows on television. This is the new version.)
24 (I never watched this before, but there was a marathon, so I recorded a season)
Forbidden Planet (classic sci-fi movie)
Insomniac Music Theater (just one video from Howie Day)
Star Trek: The Next Generation (yes, I like my SciFi!)
In America (recorded but I still haven't watched it)
The Alternative (videos from the 80s and 90s)
Party Girl (Hey, hey, helloooo)
Mindwalk (Mont St. Michel and physics. What's not to love?)
Far From Heaven (another movie I recorded and need to watch)
The Hours
Seinfeld (two really good episodes)
South Park (the one with Jennifer Lopez)

And that's it for now. It's a glimpse, I fear, into my psyche. Don't judge me too harshly.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

My newest toy (updated!)

Finally, I can wake up to music--as opposed to the soul-jarring sound of the alarm clock that I have literally had since I was in junior high. Behold iHome:

My iPod mini fits right in, I wake up to cool music (Seu Jorge is playing right now), and no more mini-heart attacks every morning. Sweet.

(update 12-13-2005)
Not so sweet. I had to return my iHome today. The alarm function was INSANE!!! No matter what you do, the alarm ramps up to an incredible volume within three seconds of going off. Literally, I could hear it plainly in my living room. Back to the heart attack machine until my newly-ordered toy arrives. Details to come.