Sunday, July 31, 2011

More ducks! This time, though, it's scary, soul-stealing ducks.

We all have a little duck inside us, don't we? But, will someone please identify the alien language in which ducks say "wehk" instead of "quack"?!

Anywho, be afraid. The ducks are coming. And they want your body.

Freddie Mercury riding Darth Vader

Your argument is invalid.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Culinary advice from Ocean Beach


I'm pretty sure this will be the next big thing for Foodies. Mark my words.

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Feel good story of the day: An anorexic duck named Alice

Alice (think Through the Looking Glass), a seven-day-old duckling, was rescued from a gull mauling (my newest fear as I walk along the Embarcadero) by an RSPCA inspector and taken to the Devon Wildlife Visitor Centre. But, being away from her siblings led to separation anxiety, which kept her from eating.

The baby duck’s handlers (who are clearly raving narcissists) came up with the idea to put a mirror in Alice's enclosure to keep her company.

Guess what? It worked.

“The duckling regularly wanders up to the mirror and pecks at it, licks it and is constantly happily chirruping away,” says Centre spokeswoman Liz Dyas. “It is very common for ducklings to die once separated from the flock and we’re amazed at the change in condition."

This just goes to prove we're all, deep down, obsessed with ourselves and need the validation of others--even if it's just our own reflection. So, stand in front of a mirror today and remind yourself that you good enough, smart enough, and, doggonit, people like you.

In case you were wondering, Alice is reportedly eating again (I hope she knows the camera adds ten pounds) and is expected to make a full recovery in matter of months. Soon, she'll be so healthy, she'll be shilling Jenny Craig on basic cable.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Hellen Keller's Facebook page

Don't judge me too harshly for sharing this. It's not like I'm her friend on Facebook or something. Besides, she never reads this blog.

Breaking: Fuzzy Vodka does not contain any actual fuzz

Fuzzy Vodka is a new vodka brand for me, and I'm giving them props for their website and these delicious photos. I hope you can check out the recipes and enjoy a little vitamin V this weekend. Cheers!

Fuzzy Palmer (aka John Daly)

I'm taking the day off

And Little Richard is SO excited. I hope it's a good day for you, too!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Short film: Protect me from what I want

I allow myself one feeling per day. This short film touched that feeling. It's a little NSFW (ok, a lot), totally gay, completely human, and I think you should watch it.

Protect Me From What I Want

Why didn't anyone tell me Sally Struthers was in San Diego?!

Now get her out of that pool and help her save the children!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What not to read: The Dragon with the Girl Tattoo

The Booker Long List: 2011


This has nothing to do with porn, so get your minds out of the gutter! :)

It's only one of the most prestigious literary honors on the planet. Has anyone read any of these books? If so, I'd love a recommendation or two (or three or four).

Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending (Jonathan Cape - Random House)
Sebastian Barry, On Canaan's Side (Faber)
Carol Birch Jamrach, Menagerie (Canongate)
Patrick deWitt, The Sisters Brothers (Granta)
Esi Edugyan, Half Blood Blues (Serpent's Tail - Profile)
Yvvette Edwards, A Cupboard Full of Coats (Oneworld)
Alan Hollinghurst, The Stranger's Child (Picador - Pan Macmillan)
Stephen Kelman, Pigeon English (Bloomsbury)
Patrick McGuinness, The Last Hundred Days (Seren Books)
A.D. Miller, Snowdrops (Atlantic)
Alison Pick, Far to Go (Headline Review)
Jane Rogers, The Testament of Jessie Lamb (Sandstone Press)
D.J. Taylor, Derby Day (Chatto & Windus - Random House)

Friday, July 22, 2011

How to make your daughter pretty

If you do anything less than all this, you're a terrible parent. Nancy Grace approves of this post.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Density is where it's at: San Francisco

I'm proud to live in a highly dense city. I actually feel sorry for those who don't. Walking along the streets of San Francisco, I see and experience things in a matter of blocks that other people in less dense parts of the world might not see in days or weeks--or ever. Forget joining the military to see the world; just move to San Francisco! Vive la densité!

Please "do not"

When did we lose the cultural knowledge of when and how to use quotation marks?

Dear Santa, I want Super-Premium Vodka for Xmas: Absolut Elyx

Is there any reason why I shouldn't have this in my alcohol collection? I didn't think so.

From Uncrate:

Your average Red Bull mixing shot maker it is not. Painstakingly handcrafted in small volumes, Absolut Elyx ($TBA) is a new super-premium vodka from the Swedish spirit maker, distilled in a vintage rectification still, with columns, pumps and hand-forged pipes all in copper, with additional copper packets which are used to purify the vodka, and made from the finest Råbelöf-sourced wheat and water from the company's own natural underground springs, resulting in a drink that's silky and smooth, with subtle floral and fruit flavors. Drink it neat, on the rocks, or use it to create great-tasting classic cocktails.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Edge of Glory: Lady Gaga on Howard Stern

I know. She's everywhere, she's overrated, she's weird, she's commercial. Whatever, the girl can sing. Put Ke$ha in front of a piano and see what you get. I'll take Gaga.

What's wrong with books?

In honor of Borders' demise, I thought I'd share this comedic duo's take on books. I think they've been reading too much Austen and watching too many Merchant Ivory films, but they are funny nonetheless.

!!!!!!! [BESTIE x BESTIE 1] !!!!!!! from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Verbal Vogueing: The important stuff like pop culture, pop culture, and celebrities

Watch this. It's amazing. One of my favorite lines during his rant about how Target is really super gay is "You're women's shoes go up to size 21." This boy is a gem. Watch him, "Like" him, +1 him, just do whatever it is the Google tells you to do.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I want to be a tree when I die

Made from coconut shell, compacted peat and cellulose, the Bios Urn contains the seed of a tree. After you've been cremated, your remains are placed into the urn which is then planted. Then the seed germinates and begins to grow. Welcome back to the circle of life! You can even choose the type of plant you would like to become, depending on what kind of planting space you prefer.

Call me crazy, but this makes a lot more sense than being stuck in a $10,000 box before I'm buried in the ground. Dear family, make me a tree and/or toss me in the ocean in Hawai'i. And have a wild wake. And laugh a lot.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Watching America grow

Cool, huh?

Here, let me wash that for you

At least it's better than the crazy guy with newspaper and a spray bottle full of god-knows-what at the corner of 5th and Harrison.

My trip to Portland in one photo

I spent the long 4th of July weekend in Portland and had a great time visiting my friends Renee and Yasu and hanging out with the bf and my friends Michael and David. With temps in the 80s, David's biscuits, and plenty of whiskey and ginger ale, I was essentially in heaven.

But, to get a sense of what Portland does to a person, I need you to look at this photo. I, a normally sweater-clad San Franciscan, went crazy with the "OMG it's warm and the sun is shining and I can wear SHORTS!!" look. I was positively sporty. So much so that I felt empowered to roll this giant stone sphere on the Nike campus. I'm pretty sure I was here for 2-3 hours just rolling and rolling. "I'm outdoorsy now," I thought. "Look at me playing with rocks and water!!"

Then, of course, I got in the car, drove 12 hours, and returned to the morally superior temperatures of San Francisco. I donned my hoodie and watched the memory of a warmer Portland fade into the fog. At least I have this photo...

For my sister and her new dog

Give Mala a hug from me!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Dinner à la Thomas Keller: Roasted chicken

It was my turn to cook dinner tonight and the chicken sitting in the fridge was calling my name. A quick search of roast chicken recipes turned up the Thomas Keller recipe for cooking a whole chicken on a bed of root vegetables in an iron skillet. I was sold.

I stopped by Safeway after work and got a few ingredients: carrots, red potatoes, parsnips, a rutabaga and turnip, a yellow onion, some garlic, and thyme. After a little prep work, I tossed them all in some olive oil and added salt and pepper. The chicken was a simple treatment of salt and pepper inside and out, olive oil rub, a few garlic cloves and some thyme stuffed inside, then a little butter spread on the breast.

Pre-roasted chicken:

After cooking for 25 minutes at 475 degrees (HOT!), I lowered the temp to 400 and cooked for 45 more minutes.

And voilà!

Roasted chicken:

I removed the chicken and let it rest, covered in foil, for about 20 minutes while the veggies went back into the still-warm oven. Then, carving knife in hand, I chopped up Mr. Chickers. Dinner was served. And only 2 1/2 hours later!!

Post-roasted chicken and veggies:

Bon appétit!

They're coming for you: Zombie Sheep Apocalypse

Stop eating their cheese!!

You are here: Tree of Life

Feeling small yet? It's good to have some perspective.

Check out more here.

Monday, July 11, 2011

My new hobby is...Disco Macramé!

O body swayed to music, O brightening glance,
How can we know the dancer from the dance?

Debt ceiling hypocrisy

“On March 16, 2006, one Democratic senator in particular denounced George W. Bush’s request to raise the debt limit. “The fact that we are here today to debate raising America’s debt limit is a sign of leadership failure,” the senator thundered. “Increasing America’s debt weakens us domestically and internationally. . . . Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren.” That senator was Barack Obama, and he, along with most Democrats, voted against a higher limit that day. It passed only because almost every Republican voted for it, including many who are now among the strongest opponents of a debt-limit increase.”

Washington Post

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Making sweet potato fries

I'll be doing later so I wanted to share my pain. To alleviate the boredom of thinking about me staring into the oven for 40 minutes and drooling over the slowly caramelizing sweet potato fries, you can watch Hilah who may be my new favorite cooking show host. Check out her site here.

Anatomy of a crab cake lunch

Now some people will tell me that they take time to make their own crab cakes. To those people I say, "Get a job." Some of us (mainly me) have neither the time nor inclination to prepare food from scratch. I prefer to buy double home-schooled organic crab cakes handmade by Mission hipsters at Whole Foods. They just taste better with that hint of urban superiority that you can't get in the 'burbs.

After pulling the crab cake from the fridge, I like to smash it down a bit before tossing it in a pan with a little (lot) of olive oil. This allows the cake to cook thoroughly more quickly. Try not to have your heat too high. It's crab, not the ground chuck you're used to eating.

If you've done it right, when you flip the crab cake over after about 3-4 minutes, you will see a beautiful golden-brown crispy crust. If you failed to heed my earlier warning about having the heat too high, you can try to pass off your charcoal crab disk as an Emeril Lagasse recipe. Three more minutes or so on this side and your crab cake will be ready.

I like to serve my crab cakes with a simple mixed herb salad, some garlic and herb aioli, disdain for anyone who eats at McDonald's, and a lemon for generous squeezes of brightness and joy over the crab. Sit back, enjoy someone else's hard work, and have a delightful meal. Bon appétit!

Doonesbury on creationism

Saturday, July 9, 2011

As it turns out, I do like rugby

Oderzo - Nudi per la finale di Rugby

Oh, those Italians. See what having all those naked statues around all the time will do to you? John Ashcroft was right. Cover those things up with some drapes!

The video, while completely non-sexual, is probably NSFW if you're in America.

Oreo Penny

Call me when you can sculpt a Benjamin.

Wise words from Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.”

-- Dwight D. Eisenhower

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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Urinal nightmares

I'm not normally pee shy, but this might just make me afraid to use the urinal.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Friday, July 1, 2011

Keep back 1000 feet! My new religion


Vacation is a time to reflect on life and its meaning. It affords you the luxury of contemplation. Some times, it provides opportunities to stumble across signposts that impart a wisdom to you that you lacked. I had such a life experience today. While visiting Lake Shasta and walking along its dam, I discovered this sign. It's 10 foot letters spoke to me, whispering their ageless knowledge to me: KEEP BACK 1000 FEET.

The scales dropped from my eyes. I was fully awake for the first time. These words ignited a fire of intelligence within me. Yes, I thought, keep back. 1000 feet. It made so much sense and could work in so many situations. Panhandlers? KEEP BACK 1000 FEET!

The people who collect money in red pails during Christmas? KEEP BACK 1000 FEET!

Douchebags at a bar wearing Drakkar Noir and gel in their hair? KEEP BACK 1000 FEET!

An all-you-can-eat buffet in Ohio? KEEP BACK 1000 FEET!

I think you're beginning to sense the power of this phrase. So, I pass it along to all of you. Use it well. Suggest new uses. Share stories of your successes. Shanti shanti shanti.

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Don't be fooled


My head is MUCH farther away than you think. It's just enormous. Kind of like the moon. Or Gingrich's Tiffany bill.

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Lake Shasta detour


Who wants to see the dam?!

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When flying was classy

Waiter? I mean, steward. Please bring me a glass of champagne and a silk-lined barf bag. Merçi.