Spam: Questioning My Manhood

Several times a day, I receive a spam report that shows what my filter has blocked. How, may I ask, did the rumors get started about my questionable virility? Why does the spam-o-sphere think I'm poorly endowed? Who has been writing terrible things about me in restrooms across this great (but detumescent) nation of ours? When will the harassment stop?!!

Some subject lines for you to enjoy at my expense:

She will like you more once you are bigger below
Be the master of lovemaking
Regain your attractiveness as a man
Your measurement calls for improvement!
Re: making your member longer
We have everything to cure your masculinity.
The best enlargement pills available
Make your tool big and juicy
Make it longer and more powerful
Attain your fullest potential in bed


And my fave from this past week:

Make your pecker a beast

There you have it. I'm fully deflated now (no pun intended). Laugh, point, giggle and titter. I will say, though, that they have guessed my, um, proclivities, completely wrong. "She" will most definitely not benefit from any of these miracle cures.

Comments

Todd darling, speaking as someone who's seen most of the photos, they're defiantly barking up the wrong tree.
Anonymous said…
Todd,
I don't like to give you alot of credit because I fear it will cause your head to swell,(no pun intended), but I have to agree with Magnolia.
Todd X. said…
Ha ha. Oh, you do go on. . . ;-)
Darling Todd, on a purely superficial level, I've always thought you missed your true calling by turning down the numerous offers from Bel Ami and Falcon.
Oh and by the way Todd darling, I've been to the Coit Tower and your, how shall I put this, "talent" makes it looks like a toothpick!
Anonymous said…
Okay, now I'm going to need to see some IP addresses. I'm beginning to think that Magnolia is your alter ego. All this "Todd, you're so big", "Todd, you're so smart", "Todd, I'd love to see you in buttless chaps" and "Todd you can turn straight men Gay" are all part of your sick game to make it seem like you have an admirer.
Todd X. said…
I know, right? Mags hails from our great northern neighbor, though. Canadian through and through.
Darling Todd, you really must not tell people I'm Canadian it's not something I'm proud of, nor is it a dance around the May Pole living in exile in this Elba of the north, I don'y want to have to spank you.

Darling Mr Anonymous, I would never want to see our Todd in something as outre as butless chaps, put the dear boy in a dinner jacket or white tie and tails and we've really hit the jackpot.

I most certainly and not Todd's alter ego, we met several years ago at an open all night pharmacy, our eyes met over the Depends and Todd being the kind and charitable he is allows me to pop in from time to time and breathe the rarified air of his blog and let me tell you dear, I'm humbled to be the recipient of the crumbs from his table. I'm just astounded at how wise he is for someone so young, not yet 32.

If you require further proof of my identity, I do maintain a page at "Facebook" I suggest you pay a visit where see for yourself that I am my own man! Just type "Magnolia Thunderpussy" into the search engine and my story from humble beginnings shall be laid bare for the world to see.

Now if you'll excuse me dear my crypt is beckoning.
Anonymous said…
My apologizes for such an erroneous assumptions. I assumed because of his lack of posts on the other board and your admiration of him almost to the point of being creepy, that he had an alter ego.I am of course kidding about the creepy part.
Met over the Depends, was that the last box and did he share them with you? Not quite 32, I must be terrible at guessing people's age, I would have thought Todd was about 38, almost 39, but what do I know?
This comment has been removed by the author.
Darling boy please think nothing of it, much like life as we know it, it's was an honest mistake.

Oddly enough it was the last box of Depends but we decided to be adult and share. In Chez Thunderpussy they're the staff of life and the perfect thing for make-up application, Todd needed one, I believe to fashion an Easter bonnet for his Occupational Therapy so it was no effort to split up a box.

Let me give you a wee tip that will aid you in guessing people's ages, it will save you a multitude of embarrassment and be your saving grace in social situations, I think you'll find that most people you encounter are at least 20 years younger than the last age you admit to.

Now I really must dash, once again I find that Saturday is upon us and that is my day to distribute slightly dented tins of lima beans to the unwashed and largely illiterate Canadian masses.

Bless you!
Todd X. said…
Almost 39!!?? How dare you, sir! And I use the honorific "sir" with no small amount of sarcasm. Were you worthy of my prostrations after making such a libelous declaration, I would beg your pardon. As we have no doubt established your less than admirable pedigree, I will simply dismiss your guess with prejudice while simultaneously ordering a new birth certificate from www.fontofyouth.com.